When Your Child Gets Left Out

Recently, I picked up my six-year-old from school and off we headed to gymnastics.  "How was school today?"  "Great!"  "Who did you play with today?"  "Nobody.  Everyone was busy.  I just played by myself."  This has become the expected answer.  And I would be okay with that, if I didn't know that she really wants to have friends playing with her.  But, when she bravely performed at a talent show (yes, she was fantastic!) she was so excited that, "Now, everyone will know me and I will have LOTS of friends" I knew.  I knew that she was NOT okay with playing by herself.  And I hurt for her.  

Then, today at a Mother's Day performance at my 4 year-old's preschool (such a wonderful school!), one of the moms (who clearly didn't recognize my son was in her class) started talking to two of the other moms of sons in our class about another play date.  I realized that they had held play dates several times, but my son had not been invited.  Why?  Why didn't they want their sons to play with mine?  

Exclusion is seldom fun.  Perhaps we all experience the sense of loneliness, embarrassment, and shame that tags along with being the "kid by her/himself" on the playground, or not being invited to hang out with classmates.  As an adult, it stings.  But I never realized how awful it would feel when I saw it happen to my child.  I felt like I had failed them.  I had somehow not taught her/him the skill of being included.  I wanted to hug and kiss them and reassure them that the other people were absolutely insane to not want to play all day!  

But I didn't.  Instead, I told my daughter that it is absolutely okay to play by yourself.  That is she saw someone else who was playing alone, she should ask her/him to play.  That even if the other child said, "No", that it was okay and that she should always remember that she was loved all the day long, not just by her mommy and daddy and God, but by friends outside of school.  I told her one day she would find the PERFECT friend or group of friends, and she would be SO GLAD.  (I told myself these same truths).