When Your Child Gets Left Out

Recently, I picked up my six-year-old from school and off we headed to gymnastics.  "How was school today?"  "Great!"  "Who did you play with today?"  "Nobody.  Everyone was busy.  I just played by myself."  This has become the expected answer.  And I would be okay with that, if I didn't know that she really wants to have friends playing with her.  But, when she bravely performed at a talent show (yes, she was fantastic!) she was so excited that, "Now, everyone will know me and I will have LOTS of friends" I knew.  I knew that she was NOT okay with playing by herself.  And I hurt for her.  

Then, today at a Mother's Day performance at my 4 year-old's preschool (such a wonderful school!), one of the moms (who clearly didn't recognize my son was in her class) started talking to two of the other moms of sons in our class about another play date.  I realized that they had held play dates several times, but my son had not been invited.  Why?  Why didn't they want their sons to play with mine?  

Exclusion is seldom fun.  Perhaps we all experience the sense of loneliness, embarrassment, and shame that tags along with being the "kid by her/himself" on the playground, or not being invited to hang out with classmates.  As an adult, it stings.  But I never realized how awful it would feel when I saw it happen to my child.  I felt like I had failed them.  I had somehow not taught her/him the skill of being included.  I wanted to hug and kiss them and reassure them that the other people were absolutely insane to not want to play all day!  

But I didn't.  Instead, I told my daughter that it is absolutely okay to play by yourself.  That is she saw someone else who was playing alone, she should ask her/him to play.  That even if the other child said, "No", that it was okay and that she should always remember that she was loved all the day long, not just by her mommy and daddy and God, but by friends outside of school.  I told her one day she would find the PERFECT friend or group of friends, and she would be SO GLAD.  (I told myself these same truths).

Two Weeks To Go!

I am trying to get everything on my "to do" list done by this Saturday so that I can relax for a few days before the scheduled delivery (of course, this is all based on her not deciding to arrive early!) Aubrey's party is Friday at the dance studio and her Nana and Gramps are coming down (hooray!) to attend. If I work hard this week and get everything else done, after the party I should be down to the "normal" tasks with no special projects. Preparing home and family for a new arrival is certainly a lot of work, but so very exciting. One of my last projects: I am finishing a list of activity bags to prepare for the preschoolers while I am off to the hospital. Here are a few of my easiest/favorites ...

• The circulars from a Sunday paper, 4 pieces of differently colored construction paper, and glue. The kids have to find as many pictures as possible that have the same color as the paper and glue them to that paper.
• Printed paper with rows of 4 shapes in different orders (easy to do with MS Word!), printed paper with the same shapes all mixed up to cut out. The kids cut out the mixed up shapes and then organized them to look like the rows. You can then use the cut-out shapes to make different pictures in another bag!
• Printed paper with pictures of common backyard items (like a leaf, etc). The kids take the paper outside and find the items. When they find the item they can take a picture (Aubrey has a kid camera) or draw the item or simply show me.
• A deck of cards all mixed up. The kids are supposed to sort the cards - Eli can sort by color, Aubrey by number, etc. I include a list of "ways to sort" to remind myself of the possibilities.
• Construction paper, stickers, markers ... kids make cards for relatives, friends, me.
• Mystery CD - pick any music CD you want, the kids listen to the CD, pick a song, and make up a dance to go with that song.
  
• Extra photos that you have cut to make "puzzles" that the kids put together. They especially love it when they are in the picture!
• Action cards: printed pictures of kids doing different actions (such as jumping jacks, or running). The kids "pull" a card and do that action. You can also do this with cards of different animals (like a bunny) that the kids have to "act out".
• Construction - using Legos or pipe cleaners or whatever you have, build something and take a picture. Print out the picture and deconstruct the materials. The kids have to try to recreate the item with the materials.
• Other Toy Time - take a picture of toys that you have in cubbies, etc (like the collection of Tag books) and print the pictures so that each toy "set" is featured in its own picture. Then, when it is time, the kids "draw a card" and go play with those toys until the timer goes off
  

I am sure there are many better ideas - but these were a few of mine. The possibilities are really limitless and once you have the bags set up they last for a few uses!!

4 Weeks!

At most, I now have four weeks before our newest addition!! I have taken serious inventory of the things that I need for an infant. After two children, this process is much easier - and I already have many of the "essentials". What have I learned is necessary for me to make caring for an infant easier?

• First - having a supply of diapers, wipes, and several changing stations (with a DiaperGenie). We have a station in her room and in the den, so that it is never far away. We are going to transition to cloth diapers for this little one, as she won't be going to daycare, but we plan to use disposables for the first couple of weeks.
  
• Next, I love the My Breast Friend (hate the name - it is a little creepy - but the product rocks) for BF and, of course, a pump.
  
• We have a place for her to sleep (hahahahaha) at night.
  
• I am trying a different wrap this time - instead of the sling I used with the last two, I am using a Mei Tai wrap.
  
• If you have more than one child, or if you have animals, you know the need to set up "safe places" for the baby in the common areas - someplace I can set her down and the other kids will not have immediate access.
  
• I have about 10 outfits for her (which should get me through 2 or 3 days of "I didn't have time to do laundry").
  
• I also need to have several preprepared freezer meals, our clothes all washed and ready for a week or so of no/sporadic laundry, and
  
• A few busy-time bags set up for the kids (large Ziploc bags with an activity that keeps the older kids busy for 30 minutes or so).
• A journal/calendar to jot down funny/terrifying moments that can later be transferred to a scrapbook or baby book.
• A camera - charged and ready to go! - and my iPod (for moments where I really need to get away, but can't, I use music as a mental escape).
  

There is a much longer list of "hope to have's" ... but the above are what I consider essential! Next I will post a list of my favorite "busy time" bags that will hopefully help me keep my New Year's Resolution of Incredibly Limited or No TV for the kids (I still plan to late-night watch Top Chef and Project Runway and Masterpiece Mystery!!)

The Benefits of Seeing It Over and Over

My youngest (well, the youngest who is actually on the "outside") is entranced by a certain animated horse movie that stars a mustang horse and a Lakota youth. This means that I get requests to watch the movie every single day (I am pretty sure he would watch it on a constant loop if I permitted!) and that translates to actually watching the movie at least 3 times a week. Of course, I have heard many friends comment on how their little ones like to watch the same movie or show over and over. At first, this seemed a move destined to drive me literally insane, but I have come to appreciate the subtle nuances I missed the first (twenty) viewings. I like that I can time other activities by the current status of the movie. I feel zero compunction about switching it off at any point (we can always talk through the ending). And, since I have long since previewed and reviewed the content, I don't have to watch it while it is on - at all!

Scientists suggest we have a novelty gene - a gene that controls our love of new things. Many of us will only read a book one time, grow quickly irritated when our grandmother/father/friend tells us the same story for the fiftieth time, or become bored with routine workouts/meals/jobs. Yet a toddler will repeat an action, read a book, and watch a movie on an endless pattern. And while our youngest can quote lines and learn every detail, we often miss the minutia (even the word "minutia" evokes images of meaningless details). How often, though, is it the details and a thorough understanding of every part of the picture that would lend to us an advantage? How much have we missed as we seek to always experience the "new" instead of rigorously investigating the familiar?

Shared Spaces

We are down to 6 weeks before our new baby girl arrives (hooray!) and my laundry list of "things to do" seems to be getting longer rather than shorter. You would think that by the third time you greet a new child, all would be well under control!! (Or at least, that is what I thought...) One thing that is nice, is the comfort of knowing exactly what I need for "essentials" ... I plan to post on that later. But the new twist, this time, is combining the older two children into one bedroom (for the safety of all) until the new baby girl is old enough to share a room with our oldest. To making things trickier, this means combining a toddler bed and boy decorations (from our 2yo) with a "big girl bed" and girl decorations (from our soon-to-be 4 yo). I have searched and searched for the perfect bedding to make the room divided, but complementary. For some reason, I was steering away from "themed" bedding this time - I didn't want elephants, etc. I also didn't want puffy comforters. Also - I needed a site that offered the toddler sized sheets/bedding AND twin sizes - which truly narrowed the field. Finally, DH said "no repainting", so I needed things that would match the current wall color. I finally found a complementary patterned set ... but the price was astronomical. Reality check!! First, my 2yo and 4yo truly don't care what is laying on their bed. Second, I don't have the budget to satisfy my apparently high-flying tastes unless I am willing to sacrifice other, more practical items. Third, this will be a short-term design challenge and I have spent FAR too much time on the search - I need a decision!! So... I am investing the budget in two new toy storage units (from Target) and 2 new cabinets that will fit tidily into the closet (from Ikea). I am re-purposing his old bumper to make cushions that will tie the two beds together. His bed will have the large quilt from his infant set that we never used (no additional cost) and her bed will have a "girly" textile that is solid colored but includes interesting details, and pillows from his bumper as well as some more "girl-friendly" pillows to tie it all together. I am going to add some of their own artwork in frames as accents and call it a day. Whew - glad to have that decision behind me!! If you are searching for ideas for shared spaces, Pottery Barn Kids had a few, and Land of Nod (high end) and Target (lower end) had the best selection of bedding. Happy hunting!

New Floors!

We got all new floors (upstairs and downstairs) over the past few weeks! It meant a lot of schedule rearrangements, corralling children, moving closets and books, rearranging, and now the process of organizing and reintroducing all of our belongings ... in other words, it was a hot mess. However, the new floors look amazing! After 12 years of the original contractor-grade carpet, our house has been transformed. This made me think of the turns happening in my recent history - replacing the tattered but familiar daily walk of a traditional classroom teacher with the new work-from-home and increase time with our kids "floor". It has taken a lot of rearrangement and judicious paring down of things that are no longer necessary (and simply add to the clutter), but the results are well worth it! I know that when the new one arrives, another time of adjustment will begin, but for now I plan to relax and enjoy the new floors!!!

Do Children Have A "Self-Destruct" Gene?

I have come to believe my children might be self-destructive...

Evidence #1: At the beach this weekend (lovely weather, great place to stay) my 3-year-old found a pill in the corner of a room in the hotel and apparently opened it and she said, upon interrogation, she put some in her mouth. (In case you are wondering, I was changing my 2-year old's diaper at the time.) Immediate panic!! After anguished "Should we call 911?!" I decided to call Poison Control first to identify the pill. The very nice lady identified the pill as Detrol - a bladder control pill. While we were on the phone, Aubrey looked at me very solemnly (she knew I was totally beside myself!) and said, "Are you calling the police? Please don't call the police." Where do they get these ideas? If I hadn't been about to vomit myself I may have laughed. Instead, it just broke my heart. "You are not in trouble, honey, but don't EVER pick up something on the floor and put it in your mouth. This is serious." Poison control reassured us that there was no danger, especially since much of the powder was on the floor, but we should watch for signs of dehydration. Crisis over, adrenaline levels declining.

Evidence #2: On the way to swim lessons yesterday, I looked in my rear view (which I have tilted so that I can see the kids in the back) and see my son has unlatched the top harness of his car seat. At the time, I am in the worst possible place to pull over, so I start to look for a break in traffic to move over and pull over. Instantaneously, my son pulls the handle to the door. No worries, right? It is child-locked. Only it is somehow NO LONGER child-locked and the door begins to open. I am chanting, "Don't panic" (but I am panicking!) and begin to slow and pull over into the median - which is big ditch. Half-in and half-out of busy traffic, I park, leap out, and swing the door open to fix his harness, yell "No!" twenty times, and relock the door. As I get back in, I see a police officer has pulled over behind me. Now I am sure I am going to get twenty tickets and have my children removed. But this sweet, kind soul just helps me merge back into traffic! Then, two minutes later, Eli tries it again!!!! This time, though, the door couldn't open (thank goodness!), I had moved to the right-hand lane with plenty of side roads to pull into, and I was able to get out safely. Then I cranked the harness so tight I am surprised he didn't have blue arms when we got there.

Truly, it is only through the grace of God that children make it to adulthood! As paranoid as I am about safety (and I know I can be terribly over-protective), incidents like these slip through the cracks of life - and make me SO GRATEFUL my children are currently able to snuggle into my arms.